Faithful.

From the very beginning I was not hidden from you.
Above the stormy ceiling you kept my lost soul in view.
I sank to the deep where I could not see your face.
Truly will you keep me always within your grace?
Have I not always stood against your holy purpose?
Found beneath the waves why'd you help me resurface?
Unfailing sure and faithful, love that I do not deserve.
Love so pure and beautiful, demands love without reserve.

I was thinking back today to the first discipleship group I was entrusted with. We started out with four guys and time and the world whittled the group down to two guys who I was starting to get very attached to. Yet I was not doing well in my walk with Him back then, and my life was extremely messy. So between the sin and the loss and everything else Satan had me by the tail with guilt.

One day I remember walking to the bus halt through the (Viharamadevi) park after a particularly bad meeting (which I attributed to a particularly sinful day), I felt an immense sense of hopelessness and shame, and I felt for the first time in my life like I fit in to (Hebrews 10:26-27) That I had sinned deliberately despite my knowledge of the gospel and Christ, and now all that was left was to fearfully await the judgement to follow as no sacrifice for sin was left for me.

The thought sent a chill through my whole body, and a sense of hopelessness over came me. I remember stopping for a moment as my breath caught in my chest. My head suddenly was flooded with questions, and doubts, and my feelings responded. "What if it's hell after all? I know I deserved it from the beginning? But what do I do? Does this mean I walk away? What's the point if I never see him?" That last question... What's the point if I never see him? Never see the man who I knew, despite everything loved me amazingly. Who had spoken to me and called me to his service, could his love really not save me now? Will I never hear him say welcome home son, come and enter my rest? If that were the case... If I never got to see Jesus would I walk away?

For a moment I considered it... then I remembered what life was like before Him. The hopelessness at sin, the pointlessness of life, the anger and rage at never feeling whole. I remembered the first time I knew I was saved,the release the joy. I remembered the ways Satan tried to tear down my faith, and how real he was. And the decision was easy. Even if all I had left was a fearful expectation of judgement, I would do everything in my power to keep those entrusted to me safe and help them grow, and I would reach out with the Gospel to anyone I could so they could know the same love I knew. Most importantly I resolved that even if Satan had somehow "got me" I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that I would go quietly into the night, but rather would fight tooth and nail to proclaim freedom to captives, and bind up the brokenhearted, even if there was still going to be hell to pay.

I walked out of that park with a resolve and fervor, that carried me through long enough for me to come to a more complete understanding of the Gospel, (that my salvation never depended on me in the first place, but was a gift, and my Good works are a response to his love and spirit living in me.) and His faithfulness, and that He never left me, all that had happened was that my focus had drifted, pulled away by a feeling. a feeling that overcame what my heart should have known all along. I got to see those following me as I follow Christ grow into fine young stewards of the gospel, servants of God who will soon have disciples of their own. More importantly I came to a more clear understanding of God's unfailing love for me. And how I will never understand it. :)

Still looking back I feel like I lack the fire I had to serve him, which I had on the day I thought he had given up on me. Sure, my resolve to love and keep those entrusted to me on the right path has only grown stronger, and I have grown more faithful to him. But that desperation for him, for his presence, comfort and peace, and that desperation to serve him seems far away. My heart has grown comfortable in his faithfulness, and I have become weak, complacent and lazy in certain ways. I long for that passion to serve him that was drawn out from my heart when I felt all was lost. I even wish I didn't know what I know now in certain ways regarding his grace and faithfulness, because maybe if I felt I could lose him I would find that same passion to serve him.

Maybe one day He will remind me of how desperate the situation is. That many are lost and my every action is literally a matter of life and death. Maybe he will burden my heart with the things that burden his, and that I will live for his will and Joy again, fighting with all I have to step out of my comfort zone and walk by faith where I have never dared to before. Exhibiting to the world my faith and his spirit living in me

Maybe I will in becoming like him, more faithful more passionate in serving him,
but I guess only time will tell...